Why I Need a Filter

So I have a disease. It's called "Foot in Mouth Syndrome." I've had it for quite some time, but it only flares up occasionally. But when it does, it's super painful. Some of the symptoms include extreme embarrassment, word vomiting, and my face turning different shades of red.

It's happened before. I was at my family's house during Christmas last year. My parents, sister, brother and brother's girlfriend at the time are all in the living room, probably watching National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation. Our hall closet houses all of our family photo albums (my dad is a great documentarian...we have about 30). When I walk in the closet I see 2 of the most hideously ugly, formal looking BALL GOWNS. It looked like a cross between something you would wear to a medieval times ball and a Quinceanera. Something like this:

My little sister is about 14 at the time and starting to go to school formals/proms etc. So obviously I assume it is hers, and march into the living room and start a whole tirade about how awful the dress is, how I can't believe that our mother actually paid money for it, and how it looked like she was going to a medieval ball and not a formal. As I'm going on in my rant, I'm noticing my sister's confused eyes (but I don't think anything of it as she is blond), a smirk on my father's face and my brother's bugged out eyes. They let me continue for a while until finally my brother's girlfriend speaks up and says "Oh, those are mine. I brought them over to try to sell in the garage sale you're having." **Crickets** Cue foot in mouth.You'd think I would learn a lesson here. But that's not how I roll.

So last night, ex-Texas Tech football head coach Mike Leach is in town at a book signing for his new book, Swing Your Sword. I gathered a bunch of my girlfriends to go, but went earlier in the day to actually purchase the books so I had them ready to go. You have to buy them at the cash register, so I walk up and order 2. The cashier is an older gentleman, with a pair of sunglasses on (weird). When he turns around to face me, I see that he has one of the lenses out, and one still in. At this point, I'm in full force "TEAM LEACH!" mode. He has been called the Crazy Pirate because of his eccentric personality and from comments he has made in the past.

 

 
So I say to the cashier "OOOOHHH did Barnes & Noble have you guys dress like pirates for Mike Leach since he likes pirates? Is that why you look like you have a pirate eye patch on? FUN!" After what seemed like an hour glare, and a snarl on his face, he responds "I have one eye."

Return foot to mouth ASAP. I'm officially a jerk.

P.S. - here's a photo of me and the pirate himself! The flag behind him says "Surrender the Booty" It's also a picture OF a picture, hense why it is blurry.

Go buy your book today!