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"Charlie Sheen Talks Sh*t, Sofa King Makes Them Eat It"
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:
by: Dick Longwish Pettijohn - Contributing Editor
HOUSTON, Tex. -- For the second week in a row, kickball junk squashers Sofa King Awesome made another team puke in their shoes on the field pistol whipping Charlie Sheen 7-1. And it's safe to say that at the bar following the game, team Sheen lost total internal body control and sh*t the bed to complete a full night of colon evacuation.
Donning some spectacularly fashionable wigs and hats, Sofa King sprayed runs all over the field with a barrage of talent by all players while pitching ace Alden "Alpaca Dome" Young continues his on-the-field-campaign to become the all-time leader in fewest runs allowed, complete games, and Mr. Congeniality 2011.
"Thank you very much for allowing me to give a quote in your super awesome article" Young noted. "I fully commend team Sheen for their ability to completely self-implode every time they kicked the ball. It's a shame that their talent level is that of a neutered walrus."
The first inning was a grind for Sofa King going three-up-three down, an unusual start for this otherwise rabbit humping speed lineup. Sofa King was without lead off kicker Jeff "Conan" Edwards but they quickly adjusted after Corie "Carrot Top" Leaman went wrecking ball on Sheen's third baseman, knocking herself down but getting right back up to lend the first run scored to the game. Leaman appeared hurt at first, but muscled through.
Leaman backed it up after the game. "I'm not hurt. Hell, I've taken harder falls out of my own bed. Granted that was a night I drank a box of wine and snorted pop rocks, but ya know, who HASN'T done that?" {Crickets}
Once the the fun bus for Sofa King got going, there was no shutting it down. Ground rule double king Daren "Amadeus" Darden drove in a couple more runs, and rookies Marshall "Cocklebur Hands" Guy and Sean "What the Hell Did I Get Myself Into" McBeth topped off the victory cake with the insurance runs. But MVP for the night surely goes to first-season standout Melissa "Boom Motherfuc*ers!" Broadway. Broadway's defensive prowess was on full display after a moonshot kick came her way and she hugged it like an ignorant altar boy.
Broadway's fuel got hotter after hearing some smack-talk by team Sheen during the post-game handshake. Teammate Arabella Di Bagno Guidi informed Broadway of discussion on flip cup, and how Sofa King might lose the upcoming match. Di Bagno Guidi and Broadway did not take it lightly.
"I've heard better s*it talking from Hellen Keller," said Di Bagno Guidi. Broadway was much more malign. "O-M-God! At first I didn't want to go to the bar, but ah hell naw, it's on!"
And boy was she right, at the bar Sofa King and Sheen lined up for a flip cup match before most others had arrived. As the trash talking continued by the team in pink (yes, pink), Sofa King took turns guarding the bathroom door to prepare. It's an odd and primitive tactic, but it worked. The team of Di Bagno Guidi, Marsha Fernandes, Daren Darden, Broadway, Leaman, and David Joekel said nothing and swept Sheen 3-0.
Broadway was again MVP of the flip cup table and decoyed her abilities nicely before the flip cup game.
"You guys dont understand. I had someone unfriend me on Facebook because I was bad at flipcup. That's how bad it was." Her pleas went on deaf ears as her teammates promised to Farmville, Tag, Poke, Friend Request, and even Dogbook her to bring her back into the fold. Both matches she was a 1-flip-and-done performer and erased any doubt.
After the victory, though, league comissioner Matt "Yes I do Have a Soul" Pennebaker the match had to be replayed to make it 'official.' Sheen smelled blood in the water for round 2, but as it turns out that was just from the unfinished bathroom at Antique. Sofa King again, without hesitation, dropped the hammer three games in a row and celebrated appropriately by not shaking hands with the other team and stealing the rest of the free beer for table. No one has confirmed, but there are rumors that team Sheen was seen licking the beer drippings off the table after defeat due to their Russian military-style coaching.
That makes Sofa King 2-0 on the season, and 2-0 at the bar. Sheen drops to 0-2 on the season and into the Douchebag Division of everything else. Next week Sofa King takes on Beer is our Performance Enhancing Drug at 7pm. This night mark's the inaugural Harley Davidson Biker night, where all players are encouraged to wear leather, pleather, chaps, or anything the guy from The Village People ever wore.
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