Team Sofa King Awesome

As many as you know (or should know, you keep up with my life, yes?) I joined a kickball team with a few friends. I played in a league in NYC and it was a really fun way to meet new people, see friends that you don't see very often because they ignore your hang out requests (cough David cough) and have a jolly good time while pretending you're 11 again. Our team, Sofa King Awesome, had our first game on Wednesday night. The Chronicle decided to come out and recently distributed this press release about our game. I laughed so hard I cried. I promise it's worth your time:

Sofa King Awesome Makes KILFS Look Sofa King Bad

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:

by: Greenwood Ogburn Hooptyballs - Contributing Editor

Houston, Tex. -- The new season of Kingdom League kickball started much the same as it did one season ago, with a victory on the field and probable hangovers off of it.

Veteran red ball rockers Sofa King Awesome jumped out to an early lead with a three-run first inning and then proceeded to give mental middle fingers to the opposing team for the rest of the night for an 8-3 victory.  The KILFS, forgiving themsevles for having the worst name and color coordination possible, seemed out of synch and only scored a few runs that were aided by singular brain farts by Sofa King Awesome.

Rookie Tracey Crawford didn't seem phased by the madness at all.

"Yeah, I mean, we could probably win it all. I heard this league was full of washed up fat guys who were good at sports in junior high.  As it turns out I way overestimated that assessment."

Second-season standout Daren "I'm not injured, it's my pimp walk" Darden slapped together a couple nice kicks despite the fact that his 1993 Lanzeras were falling apart.  Newcomers Jessica "Tall Boy" Schwartz, Arabella "Gingerman" Di Bagno Guidi appear ready to stomp on the throat of any opponent and should make a nice addition to the roster of social misfits made up of mostly fingernails, aluminum cans, and that weird smell you only get at the gas station.  Yet once pooled together their on-field cohesiveness is quite stunning - like the Northern Lights - except not really anything like that at all.

After the game the team shed a few layers and headed to the bar for post-game competition with some barley sodas and tomfoolery. In the first flip cup match of the season, Sofa King again prevailed with a quick 3-1 de-testicalization of the sad-sack drinking team of KILFS .  Crawford and fellow female rookie Marsha "Tiny But Mighty" Fernandes fronted a "just glad to be here" crew of Darden, Joekel, Christ, and T-Alden Young.  Fernandes implemented a strategy she learned in Canada.

"Um, not really. I just drank my beer before I was supposed to but no one said anything. FREE HEALTH CARE!"

And how.

Finally, to close out the night Sofa King was well-represented by three players who hit the pinnacle of their drinking careers by reaching the Sweet 16 of King of the Hill. Alden "Bitches be Hatin" Young and Darden rode the beer donkey until they were unfairly eliminated by way of faulty cups.  David "I'm Calling In Sick Tomorrow" Joekel reached the final but had a freakin' anvil dropped on him as the opponent flipped and won before David could even finish drinking.  That burning sensation of defeat thankfully only stung him where it hurts the least...in his stomach.  Joekel conceeded that he had concerns about his opponent before the final.

"He had a barbed-wire tattoo. I let him win. Can't take any chances with someone who used to be awesome back in 1998."

Sofa King takes their 1-0 record into next week where they'll face the team of Secret Weapon: Charlie Sheen.  Game time is 7pm and is free to the public and dogs who are friendly...and like to greet each other by sniffing their fellow dogs' genitals and rear ends.
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Ok so in all fairness, that was written by David, our team captain. Clearly he has a lot of free time on his hands at work.  He's a really talented writer. I look forward to future updates.