Kickball - Week 1 in Review

Your Mom Socks at Drinking, Brings Pain on the Field

 

by: Lance Goodthrust, Contributing Editor

 

HOUSTON, Tex. -- Week 1 WAKA Kickball got underway in a blaze of glory, otherwise known as the heated cesspool of Houston, Texas, with Your Mom Socks defeating a stunned Shuck My Balls team 7-3. 

 

Shuck My Balls is led by the league Commissioner, Matt "Dude Brah" Pennebaker as well as League Umpire Associate Drew "Sweet Bangs" Womack so their confidence was gleaming out of their assholes even during warmups.  However Your Mom Socks, a rag-tag bundle of heretics and sex slave owners, glazed the field with their orange presence that poured beauty and life into an otherwise mundane field experience.

 

Returning superstar Melissa "Boom Motherfu*ker" Broadway stood with her hands on her hips and simply stared confidence into her play.  She had this to say:

"It's amazing we can even take the field wearing these God-awful t-shirts.  I feel like a reject model from Project Runway, seriously our coach must want us to play pissed off.  So far it's working, and I haven't even had a beer yet and I wanna fight one of the men from the other team."

 

The color of shirts should actually be called rust, because both teams seemed to have a need to knock it off their shoes.  Kicks were wimpy, running was more like a drunken hobble, and the energy from both squads was bottoming out like a 6th grade D.A.R.E. class.  With an error by Your Mom, Shuck rounded Pennebaker to third base that later setup a sacrifice run to take the lead.  Through another inning it was stalemate, and neither team could muster up much more than a dry fart. 

But that all changed in the top of the 3rd inning when Your Mom loaded the bases for Daren "I Need 3 Legged Jeans" Darden.  Darden made the most of it, and dropped the hammer down the left field line.  Not that his strategy was all that impressive - he kicked to it to a guy who looks like he makes a living doing experimental pharmaceutical studies.  Darden's kick hooked over third base and ran its way down the fence line to clear the bases - a TRUE grand slam.  It's a rare event in kickball and Darden was calm about the feat.

 

"MONEY BALL!  GRAND SLAM!  THESE PRETZELS ARE MAKING ME THIRSTY!  BOOM GOES THE DYNAMITE!  COLDER THAN THE OTHER SIDE OF THE PILLOW!  SONIC BOOM!  SEGA GENESIS!  CANDYBARS!  WOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

 

That was all the artillery Your Mom needed to run through the rest of the game on its way to victory.  Another three-run home run in the top of the 4th inning by David "Okay - the shirts suck, I Get It" Joekel sealed the deal.  And Shuck was sent home to sit in a corner and shower in bong water.

 

But in a total Jekyll and Hyde night, Your Mom's swagger got lost going from the field to the bar.  The first flip cup game of the season tested the all-rookie squad that bellied up to the bar.  Shuck's lineup was indeed a horrible matchup for Your Mom at that table, as Shuck features two distinct groups on their team for this particular challenge; those that smoke dope, and those who eat it too.  Unfortunately, they formed a Voltron and whipped Your Mom 3-0 in this week's CHARMIN TOILET PAPER Clean Sweep.  Don't be a dingleberry! Use Charmin!

 

King of the Hill was no better as one-time champ Joekel bonked out early, but newcomer Henry "I Don't see the big deal with the shirts" Lam stacked his way through the first few rounds to get a tiny taste of what WAKA has to offer.

"So it's like this every Wednesday?  My life just got one hundred percent cooler, and fifty percent less productive at work!"

 

Overall, not a bad showing for Your Mom who is now 1-0 on the season, and takes on Your Not Being the Ball Danny in week 2.  Game time is 6:30pm on Field #2.  Strippers and kegs are encouraged, but not required for admission.